What a strange place to be in. You no longer get to relish being a grandparent because you have been put in this precarious position of raising your grandchild due to your child’s life choices. Your child is struggling with addiction and homelessness, along with her partner.
You have seen things that you never wanted to see and can’t unsee. Things with your daughter and your granddaughter. You are mourning how you thought your daughter’s life would be. You are mourning for your grandchild who has in essence lost what “normal family” looks like. You are mourning for yourself because you were looking forward to that empty nest.
Every day you worry for your child’s safety, but you put it in the back of your mind. You get up and face every day and make sure your grandchild is loved, adjusted, and safe.
You deal with your other children’s feelings around this situation and their feelings about and around their sibling. You deal with your grandchild’s feelings around her biological parents, and you will sort your own feelings out in the shower or in the car, or after bedtime.
Here is the kicker: Your adult child, the one that put both her child and you in this situation, also blames YOU! Isn’t that nice? This too is all your fault.
Why is that? Why do our kids blame us for EVERYTHING? Honestly, there is absolutely nothing that we can do about the blame game-We can only wait it out. It seems that my daughter blames me because it is easier than facing what she herself has done. It prolongs her own growth, by blaming me. Blaming your parents is truly a dead end.
I know that some of the things that I had to do get my grandchild to safety, don’t sit well with my daughter. I went and got guardianship over her, mainly so that I could take her to the doctor and get her vaccinations current. Then I realized waiting for my daughter to clean her act up could take years. The social worker enlightened me that because of the co-dependent relationship with the baby’s father, my daughter’s chances of getting clean were pretty slim. I adopted my granddaughter because stability needed to start now. I wasn’t going to have a judge making decisions for my grandchild, or judging when my daughter was fit enough to be a parent. I know my daughter, and I will know when she is good. I can decide what this will look like down the road, and what is best for my grandchild.
I am sure that is very tough for my daughter to not see her daughter. I have made it clear until I know she will be consistent in her life, and a good role model, there won’t be visits. I know that this sounds harsh, but my hope is that it will be a motivator for my daughter to get her life on track. My grandchild doesn’t remember her parents at all.
I am reminded all of the time that the right thing to do is very seldom the easiest thing to do. None of this has been easy, for any of us, including my daughter. I guess she blames me, and I in turn also blame her. I know that no one chooses addiction, I know that she didn’t want this, none of us did.
My wish is that she will go to rehab, because her issues with addiction are going on for over a decade now, and she has never done rehab. Her daughter is now 5 years old, and my daughter is doing better, but still not consistent. I still see a very long road ahead of us.
What I can say, is that my granddaughter is well adjusted and doing very well, and the people in her life are all stable positive role models. This is all that I can strive for. I talk about her birth mother, and I show her pictures. I share pictures with my daughter. I am very open to talking about my daughter because I miss her and love her very much.
Sometimes I wish, that I could get a thank you from my daughter, and maybe someday I will. Until then, I have a little human to raise, that needs me, and I am going to do the best that I can EVERY SINGLE DAY.