Someday, we will have to face each other about the decision I made to adopt her daughter.

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash

Mostly these days, I keep a hefty distance between my daughter and me. I would love to see her, but it isn’t what is best for my granddaughter. It’s been so long and my granddaughter doesn’t remember her mother or father anymore. I am trying to avoid having her parents in and out of her life until I can gauge that they are on a much healthier path. 

My daughter and her partner, are homeless and addicted to drugs, and I currently don’t see an end in sight to their issues. 

My daughter often asks for facetime for her baby, but the thing is, she isn’t a baby anymore. They have in their mind that it will all be hunky-dory, that it’ll be wonderful. A facetime call will only actually hurt my daughter when it isn’t what she envisioned for an encounter with her daughter. At the same time, having a facetime with two strangers, won’t actually be pleasurable for my grandchild either. 

My daughter knows I adopted her daughter, my grandchild, but she doesn’t actually seem to understand why. In her mind, she has been a victim of circumstance, and I acted in a shady way going about taking custody of her. 

I did what I had to do to get my grandchild out of living in a car with two addicts. Of course, I wish the circumstances were different, I wish my daughter was able-bodied to raise her daughter and had a functional life. I wish I could be a grandmother to my granddaughter and not her parent. 

Recently, I was told my daughter was off of drugs for the time being and we were able to have our first conversation on the topic of adoption. There were a lot of excuses, which is to be expected. There were accusations against me like I tricked her. I am not going to lie here when you have a moment to say the right thing so that your daughter will hand her daughter to you, you do have to be a bit tricky. However, nothing about this situation was ideal, I wasn’t relishing the idea of taking my grandchild away from my child. I mean come on, I am not some sort of a narcissistic asshole. 

What I realized from the conversation that my daughter and I had, was that she was doing better, but nowhere near ready to be a positive role model in her daughter’s life, let alone a parent. I would have to continue to shield my granddaughter from her parent’s behavior. My grandchild doesn’t need to see this. I have explained it to her as best that I can to a girl her age. She came from my daughter’s tummy, but her mommy and daddy were having a hard time, and couldn’t take care of her; so she lives with me and her papa now. At first, she wanted to hear this over and over, but now she doesn’t really bring it up unless she sees a picture of my daughter. Her response to my daughter’s picture is, “I was in her tummy”.

My goal every day for my child (I am having to get used to saying this because everyone around my granddaughter says that I am her mom because they don’t know) is stability. She had a rough beginning, but she is going to have a stable life now, for as long as I walk this earth. 

Someday, hopefully soon, my daughter will be in a better place mentally. Someday I hope she and I can have a real conversation. I hope that she doesn’t hold too much guilt, because guilt can be paralyzing. I hope that someday my grandchild gets to see the wonderful being her mother actually is. I hope that my daughter and granddaughter will get to know each other someday. I hope that my granddaughter never internalizes the choices her parents made. I am going to be the buffer, for both my daughter and granddaughter. I hope that I can help both of them through this. My heart breaks for both of them, over and over. As the saying goes, “The right thing, is rarely the easy thing.” It is so true, nothing about this journey has been easy, and it never seems to end. I have to reset and plug away at this issue, again and again, day after day, until someday, something will shift. Until then…

How Will I Look My Daughter In The Eye?
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