A Mother’s Journey Of Facing Her Daughter’s Addiction
It’s your job as a mother to protect your children and give them the skills that they need to face the world. I thought I had done that. My daughter was always very responsible and very smart. She walked early, was potty trained early, graduated high school early, and never got into any trouble. I thought that I had crossed the finish line with success.
Then everything went south at record speed. First, she and her boyfriend broke up, then she had a new partner, and announced she was a lesbian. Then the two of them broke up and she attempted suicide, but she was now an adult.
Once your child becomes adult things get rather complicated on what you can do to help. She was in ICU with many different drugs in her system from her suicide attempt, and she wouldn’t allow me to talk to her or her doctors.
I flew immediately to her, and she did allow me in her house and did seem to have relief to see me. I thought once we got through all of this we would be good. We would move her home and get her back on track, and it worked for a while at least.
She started a trade school. She was dating a new guy, who seemed fine. Then I got the news that she was pregnant. They moved into their own apartment, she finished trade school after the baby was born, and they were good parents.
A lot has happened since she completed school with a new baby. To catch you up, I am raising that baby and I have legally adopted her. My daughter and her boyfriend are still together and have been addicted to drugs, and are homeless.
Yesterday, our middle daughter saw my daughter that is struggling. She said she isn’t doing drugs now but does gamble. That is was the most normal that she has appeared in years. She also stated that she and her boyfriend have secured housing. Of course, I am very happy, It is hard knowing your daughter is on the streets. It is hard not knowing where she is and if she is okay. I also know that there isn’t one part of this nightmare that I have anticipated. I wouldn’t have ever dreamed things would come out the way that they have.
So at this moment, I am hopeful, but I am afraid to be too hopeful. I am afraid she will relapse, and lose housing. I am afraid if she relapses that she will overdose. I am afraid she will want a relationship with her daughter, who has no memory of her.
How do you not let fear run the ship? I compartmentalize very well, but at some point, you have to deal with your emotions right? I have to compartmentalize for my granddaughter, I have to be strong for her; but hell, this is my daughter we are talking about. I rarely allow myself to go to that dark place. I usually give myself moments, when my grandchild is asleep and I am at our family cabin away from it all, when I am sitting amongst the trees. I have good family memories there. I think back to my daughter crawling on the floor or playing in the creek. Now I have watched her daughter do those same things at this cabin.
During these years now of turbulence with my oldest daughter, I have had to step away, so that I don’t enable her. We talk and text but not around my grandchild, and not often. She holds a lot of anger for me “taking” her daughter away. Her daughter is five years old now and has been with me for three and a half years. I don’t give my daughter money or things that she can sell, and I won’t allow her to live in my home. Some people judge me for that, but I could care less honestly. I am a mother all over again and my daughter’s choices will impact my grandchild in the most minimal way possible if I have anything to say about it.
These recent developments do give me hope, but having hope is scary because I want this to be over with all of my heart. I want my daughter to get help and become whole again. I miss her, our family misses her, and her daughter may not know it but she misses her too. Drugs have forever changed my family and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, and I never saw the train wreck coming.